|
FAMILY SERIES: HOLDING IT TOGETHER It’s the first thing you are part of when you enter this world, and it is the last thing you leave. It shapes and molds you before anything else even has a chance. This thing is the family. It’s in the family we first learn to be cynical or positive, kind or cruel, biased or open. It’s the family that paints the first pictures of love and hate. It’s in the family where we first learn what it means to be human. The family is that important!
So for the next few months, we’re going to explore different issues of the family from the Biblical perspective, and we’ll be referring, primarily to Dr. James Dobson for expertise and practical application. Obviously, we can’t cover everything in that length of time, so we’ll concentrate on the most foundational issues of the family. In our time together, we won’t find any ‘magic fixes’ for the challenges we face. But we will discover some proven principles we can live by.
Speaking of Dr. Dobson, here are some of his thoughts on marriage from an article entitled, ‘Couples in Crisis’: Western nations are witnessing a continuing epidemic of dysfunctional relationships. A recent study done by sociologists at Rutgers University concluded that the institution of marriage itself appears to be dying.1 I shudder to contemplate what life will be like (and how children will suffer) if the researchers prove to be right! … Only those who have been rejected by a beloved spouse can fully comprehend the tidal wave of pain that crashes into one's life when a relationship ends. Nothing else matters. …Nothing in human experience can compare with the agony of knowing that the person to whom you pledged eternal devotion has betrayed your trust … Death itself would be easier to tolerate than being tossed aside like an old shoe.
The good news is; this doesn’t have to happen. With the proper wisdom, we can avoid that kind of pain- or at least, going through it again. And despite the risks, Dobson still offers this wonderful description of marriage: Who can comprehend this mysterious bonding that enables a man and woman to withstand the many storms of life and remain best friends to the end of their lives together? This phenomenon is so remarkable that the Apostle Paul, under divine inspiration, chose it to symbolize the unfathomable bond of love between Jesus Christ and His bride, the church. We could spend a month or two just thinking about the implications…
So what’s the ‘bonding agent’ that allows this ‘phenomenon’? What’s the glue that holds our marriages and families together? If I simply said, ‘love.’ There would be a whole lot of disappointment in here. And you would be right! Why? -Because we don’t have a problem coming up with that answer. ‘Love is the answer’- has been sung in our music, heralded in our movies, and soaked into our culture for generations.
Our problem isn’t with the answer of love; our problem comes in understanding what love really is. In the 60’s, the baby-boomer generation exclaimed ‘love is free’, and ushered in an era of sexual intimacy with no strings attached. The result: A pandemic of venereal disease and the erosion of the very skills that allow life-long love. In the 70’s, Hollywood told us ‘love means never having to say you’re sorry’, and soon came the legislation of ‘no fault’ divorce and a bitter parade of finger-pointing failed marriages. Through the eighties and nineties we began to see even more dramatic effects as a generation of marriage-torn children grew up and attempted their own families. Today, our culture’s idea of intimacy has become so confused, that we’ve even blurred the lines of gender.
And this blurring goes beyond the homosexual issue. Even the average man or woman is struggling to define their roles in the conventional relationship. I happened to catch the reading of a poem on NPR. It was a fascinating peek into the heart of the gen-x woman. The gist of the poem was about yearning for a sensitive man in a world of insensitive stereotypes.
The young woman goes on to describe a guy-friend who is, without question, ‘sensitive.’ This sensitive guy is crying on her shoulder because he has been dumped by yet another girl. But, as she watches him wipe his dripping nose and listens to him whine, she finds herself repulsed. And she realizes, this is not the kind of ‘sensitive’, women are longing for. The poem takes an unexpected twist as she concludes; what she misses in men even more than sensitivity is masculinity. As a woman speaking for her generation; what she misses is defined gender.
Domestic violence, marital abuse, hyper-machoism, power-struggles and inability to commit- they all stem from the same basic thing; a cultural confusion on the roles of men and women in their love-relationships.
–And this where our cultural view of love has brought us… and we’re still slipping down the slope! Isn’t it a strange thing? We all crave love. But, if love is so inherent to our makeup, why do we mess it up so easily and so often? Well… to understand that, let’s go back to the beginning: Gen 2:20-24 20 … But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. 23 The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." 24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (NIV) What a wonderful picture of intimacy! Man is incomplete in himself. Someone is designed to make life richer, and the challenges easier to bear. Someone is created from his very flesh- out of his side. What a beautiful picture of equality, partnership, and especially… union.
But something goes wrong- Gen 3:5-6 5 "For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." 6 When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. (NIV) It’s critical that we see what has happened here. It is a very down-to-earth dynamic. And it has rippled through every human life from that point on.
What is the one thing that could create human discernment between good and evil? God knows good and evil, because He is all-knowing. But we are not. We learn things through experience. Adam and Eve knew good, but not evil. The only way to know evil was to experience it.
At the basis of any evil is the same thing, rejection of good. God is goodness. Adam and Eve didn’t learn evil by tasting a fruit; they learned evil by betraying goodness. This has direct bearing on what we’re talking about today.
In one of his tunes, the popular songwriter, John Mayer laments doomed relationships because so many people are, as he puts it, ‘broken out of the box.’ What an apt description for the human race! When mankind rebelled against our creator we broke more than our relationship with God; we broke ourselves. The image in which our race was designed was twisted. We can see the damage by simply looking inside. Take a look… Why the swift tendencies to things like envy or revenge? -Why are we naturally rebellious or cruel? Why do, even the best of us, have a dark side? Why are we selfish? The answer is simple: Because human nature is ‘broken right out of the box.’ The truth is: We are all ‘broken right out of the box.’ God describes the effect of our brokenness like this: Gen 3:16-19 16 To the woman he said, "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." Is this true? Have these things really happened? I’m yet to meet a woman who looks at childbirth as relaxing therapy.
‘Your desire will be for your husband’, what does that mean? Let me ask you -from all the relationships you know- Which spouse is most likely to feel isolated because they never talk? And which spouse is likely to spend too much time at work or at the golf course? In the history of societies, has equality ever been an issue?
17 To Adam he said, "Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, 'You must not eat of it,' "Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. 18 It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field. 19 By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return." (NIV) You know- it’s interesting. Mankind has enjoyed the benefits of agricultural, industrial, scientific, and technological revolutions. Today we grow more food per acre, mass produce more conveniences for less effort, and perform business at the speed of the electron. And yet for all of this, recent surveys show that people have 50 percent less leisure time than we had, even thirty years ago. For all we do, we are still working by the sweat of our brows- from office chairs, automobiles, and service counters. And we are still returning to the dust.
Here’s what I’m getting at: Reality does NOT contradict God. And God says we are constantly betrayed by our own broken natures. And nowhere does it show up more clearly than in our attempts to love. In an issue of the Focus on the Family magazine, Dr. Louis McBurney wrote an article called, ‘When Couples Are Cruel.’ The article begins with a couple invited to a backyard barbeque who by a constant verbal sparring, end up barbequing each other to the great discomfort of everybody else.
As I was reading this, it brought back a memory of a church barbeque from many years ago. At the time, there was a young couple suffering a strained marriage. I remember standing by the food table; the wife was a bit insecure about something she had brought to the dinner. And as they reached her dish on the buffet, her husband executed a verbal jab that obviously came from a lot of practice. At that moment, every ounce of self-esteem leaked out of His wife. Her eyes showed the pain of, ‘there it is again.’ Have you ever seen that look on someone’s face? How do we get that practiced at being so cruel? Why?
Dr. McBurney offers some reasons- 1. Cruelty was modeled in childhood. We criticize because it’s what we know… it’s a familiar pattern. (Remember this as we raise our children.) 2. Unresolved anger spills over. Dealing with conflict isn’t easy. As Christians we might even feel it’s a sin to get angry at all. Sin isn’t the anger; it’s the wrong response to the anger. As McBurney puts it, “Beneath… demeaning comments are areas of disappointment or tension.” 3. Individual insecurity breeds cruelty. It’s a common tendency, when a person feels inadequate; they lift themselves up by putting others down… especially people close to them. 4. Passive guilt can be used to provoke a response. One person is angry below the surface, so they deliberately provoke the other person. Spite talk is an ineffective way of trying to vent pain. 5. Fear of emotional closeness. Intimacy creates vulnerability. Admitting the desire to be loved can be scary, especially if there’s the chance of rejection. Some people survive by maintaining a distance. They perform a kind of painful dance of emotionally stepping close and then pushing away. But if the dance continues, it brings terrible consequences. It erodes the self-confidence of the mate, and it teaches the children of the family to take on the same pattern of being inconsiderate and unkind.
This is not real love. This is not the glue that will hold your family together. So according to God, what is real love? If you have your Bibles, please open to 1 Cor 13. I’d encourage everyone to bring a Bible with them through the series. We are going to explore some passages well worth marking. 1 Cor 13:2-11 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. … 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. (NIV) Let’s think about this passage in terms of our families and in the profound intimacy of marriage. It says this: -Even if I have amazing knowledge (yes, I know what a good family should be), even if I have amazing commitment (I slave all day to provide for my family)- If I don’t have what is described here, I will be, and I will gain what? (nothing) That’s a pretty heavy statement! So what is this kind of love God is talking about?
It is patient and kind. What is patience? Patience is when you have the right, or at least the urge, to blast them but you don’t. Why? Because you are always protecting their dignity, you are always hoping they’ll get it right. You are persevering. …Kindness, not self-seeking, not keeping score, holding your temper, and protecting instead- these are things you choose to do. Do you get what God is telling us here?
Our culture speaks of love as a powerful emotional attachment. But if it is only emotional, we have no control. -We fall in love. We fall out of love. That is not what God calls love. Love is a choice. Here is a great revelation to our culture: You can choose to love. You choose who will come first in a relationship. You choose to protect or attack.
Now, don’t get this wrong- this is not to say you’re a doormat. Love can be tough. In cases like abuse, or codependency, real love demands there will be change. But real love never works from selfish interest. Husbands, wives and kids of the family -YOUR family- God guarantees a love that will never fail. But you have to understand, God is talking love by His definition.
ü Well, that sounds pretty good! But how do we get it? The first thing we’ve got to do is- go to the source. Let me be completely honest with you. There is no Biblical teaching that says you can develop this quality of love on your own- no one can do it. Why? Because human nature is ‘broken out of the box’. The good news is; there has been a ‘factory recall’ to fix the problem
Secondly, we’ve have to–Grow up. 1 Cor. says you have to leave behind the childish ways. Something like this message today is little more than planting a seed. The seed is from an unfailing and perfect God, but it’s still, just a seed. To know the real power and wisdom of love, we have to grow up in its use. Rom 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-- his good, pleasing and perfect will. (NIV) With the transforming power of God inside, we can leave behind the old patterns. McBurney offers these practical steps in our transformed thinking: 1. Be aware of how you have been treating each other. It’s amazing how blind we can become to our own destructive patterns. Keep in mind, the process of discovery may not be easy or painless. Ask a trusted third party or a counselor what they see. Start praying together. 2. Respect each other. A few years ago, there was a study done on long-lasting marriages. And despite the incredible variety in the couples, one thing was common to every one of them- an uncommon level of respect. Turn that around and do you know what it says? No healthy marriage has a hope of existing without genuine respect. 3. Be a positive, confident, effective partner. Be your spouse’s greatest fan. Be your kids’ greatest fan. As McBurney puts it, ‘Nit-picking and criticism will slowly, but surely, reduce your mate to a person of insecurity and self-doubt.” And as we’ve learned, that’s the path to cruelty.
Every marriage will see conflicts, we can’t avoid them all. But we can learn how to resolve them. Is it a serious effort? You bet! But just look at the alternative! Family was designed to be a love-relationship. For some in here, you may feel you’re well on the way to this kind of relationship. For others, it may seem completely beyond the bounds of reality at this moment. But don’t believe it. There are stories of people being turned back even from the brink of murder to this kind of love.
In our time together, we’ll look at a number of practical insights. But I have to qualify everything with this: We can learn the concept of real love. We can even choose to love. But there is no way to have a ‘marriage made in heaven’ without the God of heaven in the marriage.
Let me leave you with 3: 1. Take the time to reflect on God’s definition of love. (1Cor 13) 2. Make a conscious decision to choose to love. 3. Open yourself to the only source that can empower your decision- God, Himself, through His Son, Jesus Christ.
|
