family series: the family

On May 8^th, 1994, First Lady Hillary Clinton gave a Mother’s Day speech at George Washington University. Speaking on the American family, she had this to say:

If it ever did, no longer does it consist of two parents, two children, a dog, a house with a white picket fence, and a station wagon in the driveway. Instead of families looking like the Cleavers… we have families that include test-tube babies and surrogate moms. Instead of Sunday-night family dinners, we now have cross-country telephone conference calls. Instead of aunts and uncles and grandmas and grandpas, we have nannies and day-care centers.

When the traditional bonds of family are too often frayed, we all need to appreciate that in a very real sense we have become an extended family.

The First Lady was correct in reminding us of our responsibilities to help and care for one another. …But Mrs. Clinton’s remarks that day conveyed another message- … She did not urge the graduates to preserve and support the traditional family unit. Nor did she speak of its vital role in the culture. Rather, Mrs. Clinton began with the supposition that families as we have known them are gone forever, and then suggested ways of replacing them.

Is Mrs. Clinton right? Is settling for some looser, and lesser definition of family the only answer? Is that really ‘family’ at all?

Well, let’s repeat last week’s strategy. Let’s go back to the beginning and look into the original design.

22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

23 The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; (NIV)

Principle #1: The union of one man to one woman was meant to be the backbone of the family unit. Even in animal kingdom- a male and a female produce offspring, for which one or both care. That is the design of nature, it is the design of our biology, and it is the design of thousands upon thousands of years of human history. But most important of all; it is the design of The Designer! According to Scripture, the traditional family is not a human invention but God’s intention.

Principle #2: The people brought together are specifically designed for this union. The genius in the design is not that the partners are the same, but that they are complementary.

A few years ago, a TV documentary addressed the question- Are men and women truly different, or are we simply conditioned to be different? And I thought, “Oh boy, here we go! Another hour of political correctness! But what unfolded was truly surprising. Working back through the stages of development- from adults all the way to the womb, the research concluded that each gender does in fact, have different tendencies, strengths, and make up. The program concluded with the question- if male and female are truly different, what national risks are we creating for the sake of artificial correctness?

Equality and sameness is not synonymous. The real power and equality in God’s design is in the celebration in how we are different. A puzzle doesn’t hold together, because the pieces are the same, but because they complement each other. Where one has a gap, the other has an edge. It’s this very difference that creates real unity.

23 The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man."

24 For this reason a man will … be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

The flesh of one body is not meant to be separated. And if for some serious reason it has to separated, it is a very painful thing. We have people here who’ve had amputations. Ask them- it’s a hard experience; it takes a long time to recover. And even so, it is crippling.

Marriage- By God’s standards requires a concept of two becoming ‘one flesh’. Outside of the gravest betrayal- (And let me say, we can form a pretty good argument that, betrayal isn’t just infidelity, it is failure to live up to the marriage vows through patterns of abuse or abandonment as well.) But outside of that; it’s meant to be a one time deal. And there is a second reason for a one time commitment: That initial union serves as the bedrock for all the other members- the children created or in some way, brought together in that union. Collapse the union and you collapse the ground from under those children.

TINKERING WITH THE DESIGN

Well that’s God’s idea ‘from the beginning’. So, what happens when we tinker with His design?

Let’s start at the most basic level. Let’s start with the two individuals who become ‘one flesh.’

And let’s be real about it. Many… perhaps the majority of us in here this morning have been touched in some way by failed marriages. Putting aside our own preconceptions- what exactly does God say about divorce? (Matt 19)

If you search the New Testament, you will find only one cause for divorce, and only one reason such a thing exists at all:

4 "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,'

5 and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'?

6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

7 "Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"

8 Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.

9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

Let’s take a look at the context in which this strong statement was made. Jesus was talking to a Hebrew culture. No society on earth took marriage and the family more seriously than the ancient Jews. This was a culture, where people weren’t ‘taken to the cleaners’ in a divorce, it was a life or death issue. The Biblical commentator, Charles Barclay offers this insight:

The Jewish term for marriage was Kiddushin. Kiddushin meant sanctification or consecration. It was used to describe something which was dedicated to God as his exclusive and peculiar possession. Anything totally surrendered to God was kiddushin.

…Another way to put this is to say that marriage is the total union of two personalities. …

…Marriage should not narrow life; it should complete it. … That does not mean that adjustments, and even sacrifices, have not to be made; but it does mean that the final relationship is fuller…--marriage must be a sharing of all the circumstances of life. …

If marriage is to succeed, the partners must always be thinking more of each other than of themselves. Selfishness is the murderer of any personal relationship; and that is truest of all when two people are bound together in marriage.

In the Hebrew culture, that took marriage so seriously- Jesus still had to tell them there was only one reason for divorce- hardening of their hearts. What exactly does that mean? In the original Greek, there are six different words that mean ‘to harden.’ And out of these six, it’s an interesting choice was used here- ‘skleruno’-

What makes it interesting is the other place we find it. Do you remember the account of Moses and Pharaoh in the Old Testament? In Exodus, chapter six- starts a long struggle to convince Pharaoh to release the Israelites from Egypt. Several times God communicates a sign through Moses, and each time, to the same result-

Yet Pharaoh's heart became hard and he would not listen to them, just as the LORD had said.

Sign after sign… communication after communication from God… finally plague after plague until it lead to death. Such stubbornness; and why? -Hardening of the heart. A hardening that comes through a persistent pattern of refusing to listen to what God is saying. Passages say ‘God caused’, but more truthfully, God allowed Pharaoh’s character to take its natural course. And the end was disaster; it was death in the family.

Here’s the point- Why do we suffer family failures? Jesus says it always comes down to the same reason… the same process. Layer upon layer of hardening, rejection after rejection –not what God might say- but what God is saying right now! And reality shows us very seldom is this process of hardening a one sided affair- it is both spouses.

For those of us touched by failed families, it is not my place or desire to point fingers at anyone. But let me share this: For the sake of future success in your family- it is critical you spend some honest time with God and let Him reveal to you, where your hardness has failed you. God has this wonderful way of revealing our inner-most selves without crushing us.

Let’s move up to the next level. –What happens when we tinker with the nature of the union?

“Tell me, how will my same-sex marriage hurt your little family” the professor barked at the undergrad student who was trying to make the case that marriage should be between a man and woman.

The student didn’t have a response, so she wrote to Stanton. Here’s what he had to share in response to her:

It simply defines marriage as a loving relationship between people for legal benefits. And that turns marriage into a ‘loving relationship’ between any adults in any form. Man with man; woman with woman; three people or twenty people. As we’ve seen from the original design, marriage was meant to be far more than that.

Here’s an interesting statistic: Do you know who fairs worse, men or women, in living outside of marriage? It’s actually men! Listen to what the social commentator, George Gilder discovered:

The unmarried male is far more likely… to be an alcoholic, a drug user, a convicted criminal, or a general failure. …He drives too fast, he is more hot-tempered, and he tends to be impulsive. …He earns less money than even the single woman and is more likely to move aimlessly from job to job.

This is not to say every man will turn out this way if he doesn’t marry. But it does point out a significant pattern. –And for an obvious reason: when a man marries and has a family it is great incentive to grow up. Now he has a reason and a responsibility to put all his energy and resources in a more productive direction for his wife and children. And as Dobson concluded, “This transformation is absolutely vital to the well-being of a culture.”

No matter what gender, there are vital things a child learns from both the male and female parent. And there will be holes in their life skills if either is missing. The influence of father and mother has been the very foundation of every society that has ever existed. And yet, alternative designs like same-sex marriages say that simply doesn’t matter.

Social science has found that members in the traditional family- Tend to live longer, enjoy higher levels of physical and mental health, and are less lonely. Children in these families are markedly better developed intellectually and emotionally. They are less likely to get in trouble at school, at home, or with the police. They are less likely to be victims of physical or sexual abuse.

Adam was physically and emotionally incomplete until Eve came on the scene. Only when Eve arrived, did the design made sense. Same-sex unions deny there is any real difference between genders. As Stanton reasoned to the young lady:

If the professor’s gay union is morally equal to your marriage, then you don’t matter as a woman. A lesbian union says the same thing about the my masculinity.

If it were, then we would have to say nature, itself, is intolerant. Traditional unions were not imposed on us by some institution- they happen naturally- As Stanton puts it, “Established by God and enforced by nature.”

So, what happens when we tinker with the design? Whether it’s same-sex marriage or some other unconventional arrangement- the end result will be the same. …At Notre Dame, there are beautiful, historically rich buildings undergoing urgent renovation. Do you know why? -Because the original bricks were softer than standard. There was a problem with the nature of the building blocks. I’m sure many of them were strong. Many of them were all a building block should be. Irregardless, given enough bricks of the wrong nature- that structure will still collapse.

In our society, our families are the building blocks of our social structure. And regardless of how beautiful, rich, or historical our society may be; given enough building blocks of the wrong nature- it will collapse. And that has immediate implications for you. It means: What happens in other families has direct bearing on yours. We may not all share the same eternal destiny, but we will share the same cultural one. If you’re a parent who is trying to shield your children from polluted entertainment or negative peer pressure- you are painfully aware of this reality.

Well… we can’t simply dictate to other families how to live, so what can we do about all of this? Let me offer a few practical suggestions:

From the beginning it was one man, one woman, one time. Then there are the little ones brought up in the context of that union. Let’s start by acknowledging to ourselves- any movement from this design is a movement away from God’s intention.

Yes, we will have variations. God allows certain concessions. But even in light of that mercy, there is something we need to take very personally- Jesus said there is need for divorce for only one reason- “your hearts are hard.”

There are many in the church today that have been delivered out of an abusive marriage, or perhaps had a marriage collapse before they came to know Christ. Thankfully, God has blessed them with a fresh beginning, and they’ve moved on to beautiful models of God-intended families. If that’s you, please don’t rehash what God has healed. But for those who remain unforgiving, where it’s all the other person’s fault- and maybe most of it is- but you have not let God reveal the hardness of your heart. And if you haven’t faced your hardness, that’s a terrible tragedy. –Because, for all the pain, you are still vulnerable to the very same mistake… you and your children. God says it doesn’t have to be that way!

Here’s another point in God’s design: Marriage is a union consecrated by God. That means; if your union hasn’t been consecrated; you have no business being united.

Let me share a word with you from the International Standard Bible Encyclopedia: Fornication. Hebrew, zanah = "to commit adultery," [Bamford Bible Dictionary- Any sexual activity outside of marriage.] It is categorically prohibited in Ex 20:14; Dt 5:18, Lev 18:20, Lev 20:10, and Jn 8:5, to name a few verses. Do you get the idea this is important to God?

Even those who have the surest intentions of marriage, God’s design is still the same: Relations before His consecration is outside His design and anytime we are outside of His design, we are vulnerable to disaster.

That’s what this series is all about. An easy step would be to invite people here. We are called to share the Gospel and to make disciples. Somewhere in that call, surely we can share God’s wisdom on marriage and the family.

It’s a challenge. We’re all imperfect. And we can all be hard to live with. But God says we can choose to love. And His presence can empower that choice. For all the challenges, God clearly reveals His design. He offers us the power to live it and the power to make a difference by sharing it. The question is this: What are you going to do with it?

As the ushers come forward and Laura comes to lead us in our closing song- each of us has a choice before us. …A choice to respond or not to respond.

On the right-hand side of the bulletin is a tab. Maybe your response should be there. You’ve tried your own design for marriage and it hasn’t worked out so well. Perhaps you even scoffed at God’s design as idealistic nonsense. But you have a sense today- it just might be the only way. God’s design requires God’s presence- perhaps you need to write, “I need to accept Christ into my life for the sake of my family.” Write it in the comments space at the bottom and put your name on it… we’ll get together and pray about it. Writing something down isn’t a cure, but it’s a wonderful first step.

It could be that as we focus on God’s purpose for your family, you have a hunger to get closer to the design. Or maybe you need a little extra help on being a light in the dark. That’s what our altar is for- come before God because you know He’s listening. Come up and pray with someone who’s here.

Soaking in God’s wisdom means absolutely nothing… if there is no response. Taking God’s answer into the world starts with our response here, in the holiness of worship.

Finally, if you’re a new visitor, all we ask from you in our offering plate is the bulletin tab telling us you were with us today.