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FAMILY SERIES: WHAT MAKES A "GOOD WIFE"? Here’s the deal- we’re talking husbands and wives. It’s ladies first, so hubbies, you can’t use any of this info unless you come back next week for other half.
Isn’t it amazing! We live in an age where there’s more information than any other time in history. And yet, our culture flounders on the most fundamental questions. Here’s a prime example: Although the majority of women will spend the majority of their lives as wives, our culture offers no working definition of what makes a good one. Every young woman is left to formulate her own ideas, influenced by pop psychology, market-driven magazines, and a morally bankrupt entertainment industry. No wonder there’s barely a 50% chance her marriage will even survive! …But the good news is; God doesn’t leave us floundering.
Scripture goes into great detail describing the ‘good wife.’ And we find one of the fullest descriptions in Proverbs 31:10. Ladies, I’d encourage you to turn there. You might even want to mark this as an important reminder.
The passage might be 3000 years old, but it reads like a description of today’s ‘super mom’. For the sake of time I’ll summarize the highlights:
Prov 31:10-31 10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. 12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. 13 She … works with eager hands… 15 … she provides food for her family … 17 She sets about her work vigorously; … 18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night… 20 She opens her arms to the poor and … to the needy. 21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed … 23 Her husband is respected at the city gate… 25 She is clothed with strength and dignity… 26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction … 28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: … 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. 31 Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. (NIV) Now obviously, every woman can’t be Martha Stewart, Marilyn Monroe, and Mother Theresa combined. The purpose of this passage isn’t to offer an ideal so unrealistic it just leaves you feeling inadequate. It’s to serve as an list of qualities God defines as ‘goodness’ in a wife. So, what qualities do we find in here?
ü By God’s definition, goodness in a wife means: She is worthy- v 10- The proverb says a good wife is worth more than precious jewels. Think about this: Having the quality of goodness as a wife is worth more than the most precious things, materially, on this earth. Ladies, as you wrestle with your value and purpose as a woman… as you juggle home and career, consider this opening statement from God.
She is trustworthy- V11-12- Her husband has all the confidence in the world in her. Why? Because she only brings him good, never harm. There’s a lot of ways to do harm, especially to someone close to you- by action, by lack of action, by a poison word, or withholding the right words. And it only takes a few times to destroy someone’s confidence.
She is conscientious- V13- She doesn’t just work, she works with ‘eager’ hands. Tell me, what makes a person eager? A few people will work hard out of duty, but almost everyone works hard when they see direct value. A good wife is conscientious because she is wise enough to see the direct value in what she is doing as a wife.
She is enterprising- V16-18- Few women can be a star in all the things listed here. But you can live by this principle: You can be active in your talents. Being enterprising simply means you are productive in your abilities. And you seek God’s help in rounding out the weak areas. Combine that with wisdom and discretion and you will be ‘profitable.’
She is compassionate-V20- Compassion is the product of Godly wisdom. It is Godly wisdom that turns your trials into empathy instead of emptiness. You understand the neighbor with breast cancer. (You’ve gone through it with God.) You relate to the challenges of a difficult child. You empathize with the struggle of a marriage in hard times. Your nature knows compassion for one reason; the God of compassion lives inside you.
She is forward-looking-V21- Any financial councilor will tell you- it’s not how much you make, it’s how you spend it. A pastor at Indiana Wesleyan spoke about the grounds keeper there from 15 years ago. He put his children through college on a family income of some $20,000 a year. How? By looking ahead. By living wisely. God says a good wife will have that same quality.
She is an effective supporter-V23- Our passage is talking about the wife, and then there’s this abrupt switch to the husband. He’s sitting at the city gates. In ancient times, the gates were ‘city hall.’ All the important magistrates worked there. So, the husband has done very well in life. That’s great! But what does that have to do with the wife?
Perhaps you saw the third presidential debate. Kerry and Bush were exchanging some pretty heavy jabs when the last question came up, and suddenly the two were in complete agreement. The question was- ‘What have you learned from your strong wives?’ Without a blink, the President said, ‘To listen to them.’ Isn’t it something, the two men contending for the highest office in the most powerful nation on earth say the same thing- great men develop in large part because of great wives. Great men need great supporters!
She is a woman of character-V25- She has strength and she has dignity. In looking up the definition of dignity, there were two phrases that caught my attention: 1. The quality of being worth esteem or honor 2. Proper pride and self-respect. A good wife does not devalue or cheapen herself. Because she sees her value through God’s eyes and that is the gateway to everything else.
She is a woman of spiritual intellect-v 26- She is wise and what’s more, she is able to communicate that wisdom. When the ancient Hebrew used the word ‘wise’ this is what he or she meant: WISE- transliterates: hakam This word [signifies] an important element of the Old Testament religious point of view. Religious experience was not a routine, a ritual, or faith experience. It was viewed as a mastery of the art of living in accordance with God's expectations. …Wisdom was a process of attainment and not an accomplishment. (What you are, not what you have done.)
She is ‘well developed’- If we say well developed in our culture, the first thing that comes to mind is breast augmentation and liposuction. But that is not God’s idea of true development. In fact He says- v30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Take a look at these virtues- wisdom, compassion, skills, and disciplined focus. These things don’t start a year before you marry. But on the other hand, it is never too late to change… if God is doing the transforming. It’s a life-long pursuit. You are never done ‘becoming.’ Every day is a choice.
PRACTICAL STEPS FROM THE NEW TESTAMENT ü But how does someone become this kind of ‘goodness’? Let me share a few critical points from the New Testament. Eph 5:21-22 21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. (NIV) Now there’s a nasty word to modern ears- ‘submit’. But before we reject it, let’s look at what ‘submit’ means according to the Bible. And that takes us back to the dawn of man when God first brought His design to life: Gen 2:18 The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." (NIV) The very first description of a wife is a ‘suitable helper.’ What does that mean exactly? Let’s go ahead several thousand years and find another use of this term: Heb 13:6 So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" (NIV) Even though the New Testament is Greek and the Old is Hebrew, the word ‘helper’ is a direct translation. Wives, do you know what this means? The very word God uses to describe Himself, He bestows on you as a title. Such honor is found nowhere else in Scripture! The concept of ‘submission’ isn’t a statement of rank, but of functionality… of mission. It is the work of the helper.
Here is a beautiful definition of the Biblical ‘helper’: ‘Helper’ is an aide to man who allows him to do what he could not possibly do on his own. The word refers to the Holy Spirit, and it refers to the role of wife.
Now, in light of that definition, look at these two passages together: Heb 13:6 So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.” –and- A wife of noble character who can find? … Her husband has full confidence in her … She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
ü So, how does a wife carry out this noble mission of ‘helper’? Let me share an interesting passage: Eph 5:33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (NIV) Isn’t it curious, the husband is commanded to ‘love’, but the wife is commanded to ‘respect’. Why? -Because, men interpret love through respect. Ladies, a wife can do a whole lot of things right, and nullify it all by simply denying respect.
If you do not communicate respect to your husband, if you don’t teach your children to communicate respect, you are doing this: You are chipping away at the core of your husband’s identity. And regardless of what legitimate complaints you might have, God’s Word says you are failing at the most basic definition of ‘goodness’ as a wife.
ü So wives, how do you communicate respect in ‘man language’? Don’t try to change him- Ladies, it seems it’s a natural tendency for women to want to change their men into their idea of what’s right.
Supporting your spouse to grow is the very definition of ‘goodness.’ But no human being has the power to transform another. God reserves that power for Himself through the Holy Spirit. Nagging, manipulating- trying to change the essence of a man only communicates lack of respect.
Allow him the room to lead- Ephesians 5 defines man as the head. Once again, it is not superiority, but function. Sheryl Wunder of Family Life Today says- Look into the homes of dominant wives and you will find resigned husbands, daughters that will take on a model of overbearing wives, and sons of weak character. If you read the social research, you’ll find she’s right; the incidence of gender confusion is significantly higher in families with domineering wives and resigned husbands. Scripture says a good wife expects and believes in her husband to lead his family.
Mrs. Wunder offers wives some practical tips in this department. She says a man won’t compete for leadership. Your husband’s response to nagging is to either give in, or dig in; and both have negative consequences. Giving in simply builds deep resentment, and digging in will cause him to refuse what is right, even when he realizes it.
And ladies, allowing to lead is also allowing to fail. Your husband may not accomplish some things to perfection. He may even make some serious mistakes. But constantly watching over his shoulder or throwing up past failures will only harm your cause, not help it. It is in your best interest to build up your husband in as genuine a manner as possible- Prov 14:1 (Is another reminder you may want to mark) The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. (NIV)
Learn to listen. Get this ladies! When a poll was taken of husband’s complaints, do you know what #1 was? Wives tend to talk too much and listen too little. Traditionally, men are the less vocal in a relationship. But the complaint of many men was, even when they do try to open up, their wives cut them off in the conversation. There was a sense their wives weren’t really hearing, and so the man withdraws. More than wives realize, their husbands do look for their support. They may not admit it, but they want a confidante in their wives.
Despite all the pressures life brings, maintain a love life. And there are two very important reasons for this. Dr. James Dobson explains the female and male side in very frank language. Since we are trying to understand the man I summarize from that side: Women should also understand how their husbands’ needs differ from their own. When sexual response is blocked in males, they experience an accumulating physiological pressure that demands release. … Hormonal influences sensitize the man to all sexual stimuli. Whereas a particular woman would be of little interest to him when he is satisfied, he may be eroticized just to be in her presence when he is in a state of deprivation. That’s not to say every husband will cheat, but wives, you need to realize your husband’s own physiology can work against him in ways yours doesn’t. 1 Cor 7:5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (NIV) Jill Renitch in her book, ‘To Have and to Hold’, offers a second reason of which many wives may not be aware: Studies show that typically, a man’s sexual acceptance by his spouse is part of his core identity- for a wife to follow a pattern of sexual rejection is to tear at the very core of her husbands identity. As Sheryl Wunder puts it, ‘Ladies, we are not doing our husbands any favors by merely accommodating them sexually.”
A wife- of strength, and dignity must understand what love means to her partner as well as herself. It is vital for a blessed family. Love… respect… it is a choice, it is a wisely understood objective. Real love isn’t passive; it is active. It is creative. And it must happen at all levels of living and union.
CONCLUSION Some wives may feel- ‘That’s wonderful. But you don’t know my husband. He isn’t worthy of that kind of love or respect.’ …Maybe so, but let me offer two reasons to think otherwise: First, consider 1 Pet 3:1-2 1 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. (NIV) Your role as wife isn’t primarily to your husband; it’s to the Lord. If he won’t listen, show him what he cannot refute. Walk the walk.
A second reason comes from the mouth of Jesus, Himself: John 12:47-48 47 "As for the person who hears my words but does not keep them, I do not judge him. For I did not come to judge the world, but to save it. 48 There is a judge for the one who rejects me and does not accept my words; that very word which I spoke will condemn him at the last day. (NIV) What is ‘the world’ but every level of living? Wives, here is what Jesus is saying to you: "As for the WIFE who hears my words but does not keep them, I do not judge HER. For I did not come to judge HER MARRIAGE, but to save it. There is a judge for the one who rejects me and does not accept my words; that very word which I spoke will condemn HER at the last day. (NIV) Wives, you cannot ‘create’ a good husband, but you can become a good wife. The ministry of wife offers reward. And just as surely, it carries responsibility. In the end, you won’t answer for your husband, but you will answer for you. Jesus Christ offers you words of ‘goodness’. The challenge and the choice of ‘goodness’ are yours. OFFERING AND RESPONSE As the ushers and singers come forward, let me share this last thought with you:
Wives, you are striving in difficult times. By November, eleven states will vote on same-sex marriages. Not only are you living in a culture that cannot offer guidance on being a wife, it is a culture that is quickly walking away from the very concept of that identity.
The good news is- it just makes it all the clearer. There has always been only one source of real guidance… the God who creates wives.
On the right side of the bulletin is a response tab. Perhaps there is a decision or response you’d like to make- writing is a great, first step. If there is a response you’d like to communicate to the elders, or me- just drop it in the offering, we’ll get it.
If there’s something you wish to resolve with the Lord right now, that’s what the altar’s for- we’ll pray with you… and God says there is great power where two or three are gathered in His name. (Matt 18:20)
If you’re a new guest the visitor’s section on the tab is all we ask from you in the offering. We’re just glad you’re here. Please stand, as we pray… and I can leave you with no better counsel this morning than this: If God is speaking to you, don’t let Him go unanswered.
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