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FAMILY SERIES: WHAT MAKES A "GOOD HUSBAND"? 1. INTRODUCTION Gen 1:27 27 So God created man in his own image… male and female he created them. (NIV) As human beings, every one of us was created for one purpose above all others- to be a reflection of God. That means; for all His glory, sovereignty and perfection- God’s desire is that when others look into your eyes, they see a little of Him looking back.
Last week we discovered how that reflection works for the wife. She is meant to be a reflection of the Holy Spirit, the ‘suitable helper’. -But what about the husband? What is he designed to reflect? Or to ask another way…
2. WHAT MAKES A GOOD HUSBAND? Ephesians 5 is a great anchor for the husband. So hubbies, let’s turn there and consider marking it as a reminder. Eph 5:23-31 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
Men, as husbands you have the awesome privilege, potential, and mandate to reflect Jesus Christ, Himself. And in this reflection you are called to be ‘the head’, but…
What exactly does v23 mean by ‘the head’? Men, we’d love to read as far as ‘the husband is the head of the wife’, and then stop. “See honey, the Bible says I’m the head and you need to submit.”
Sorry guys, it doesn’t work that way. Before the sentence is even finished this ‘headship’ is given a very specific qualification. You are head as ‘Christ is the head of the church’. And this takes us into two very serious areas: the issue of leadership and the issue of responsibility. To understand ourselves we need to ask two basic questions:
a. How was Christ responsible? John 6:38-39 For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me. And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all that he has given me,… (NIV) As husbands, we should think long and hard on this passage. At the end of His earthly life Jesus was able to say, "I have not lost one of those you gave me." John 18:9 As the head of your family, can you see yourself saying that? Matt 16:26 –says- What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?
Let’s change a few words just to make it personal to the husbands today: What good will it be for a husband if he gains the whole world [providing a beautiful house, two cars and every possible toy], yet forfeits the souls of his wife and children? Or what can a husband give in exchange for the soul of his wife and his sons or daughters?
When the drama of Apollo 13 began to unfold, and the spacecraft was in serious trouble, the flight engineers moaned, ‘This is going to be the worst disaster in NASA history!’ But the missions chief said, ‘Gentlemen, I disagree, I believe this is going to be our finest hour. No one is going to die on my watch.’
Where are the husbands and fathers who will stand up and say, “No one’s going to die eternally on my watch”? Where are the husbands that will be able to say, "I have not lost one of those you gave me"?
Take a look at the culture- Half of all families will not survive- the roles of husband and wife are questioned by arrangements like cohabitation and same-sex marriage. Children of failed families to the 3rd and 4th generation understandably doubt true marriage is even possible at all. Being married in a church is often an empty status symbol and is quickly becoming neither status nor symbol. The family is dying… and men, it is happening on our watch!
Husbands, the days of playing Christian are over. We had better lose the little vices, and the double standards. We had better lose the mindset that spiritual concerns in the family are half-real issues we can simply leave to our wives. “Honey, you take the kids to church if you want to, I’m staying home today, I’m taking care of the ‘real’ concerns.”
And husband, while you’re at home perhaps you can read the Sunday paper, and as you read, perhaps you’ll get the impression our culture is in a negative spiral. And every negative turn is the result of an immoral mindset. And every immoral mindset is the result of a spiritual condition. And that spiritual condition starts and ends with the family… families, just like yours.
And as a toxic culture slowly poisons our children and our wives, man after man is lying on his Sunday morning couch and denying any accountability. Husbands, God’s design has reserved the spiritual helm for you, and whether you accept it or not, each of us will be held responsible- just ‘as Christ is responsible.’
b. How did Jesus lead? What is the basic mindset of Jesus when it comes to leading? Jesus laid it out plainly, and graphically. John 13:1-5 1 It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world … So God in the flesh- wraps a towel around His waste and comes to the supper table… the last meal He will ever eat. It should be a special honor to Him. But instead He begins washing dirty feet. He carries out the task of a slave to each person who calls Him ‘master’. Why? Matt 20:25-28 25 … "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 26 Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, … 28 just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." (NIV) Husbands, God has given you a mandate not to simply lead your families… it is to lead your families through the pursuit of serving. Husbands, just like Jesus- are called to be ‘servant-leaders.’
3. HOW DOES A HUSBAND BECOME A SERVANT LEADER? It all starts in this foundational act- ‘Love your wives.’ -V25- But guess what, that’s not enough! You must love your wives ‘as Christ loves the church.’ Now just what does that mean? 1 Pet 3:7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner [sex] and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. (NIV) Now, here’s another term that can cause the postmodern woman to bristle. Peter refers to them as the weaker partner based solely on their gender. Well, before we beat poor Peter into the ground, let’s follow his line of thought. We’ll discover just what it means to love as Christ loves the Church.
v This Christ-love means- not hurting The word, ‘weaker’ in the original Greek was ‘asthenes’. Here’s the meaning: Literally ‘strengthless”. Of physical weakness by comparative degree.
Is this a fair assessment? It’s a biological fact that the male hormone, testosterone causes a building of muscle tissue and makes behavior more aggressive. It is a biological capacity God has given the male for His design in life. But like every capacity God gives, it can be abused.
So, is Peter being chauvinistic, or simply realistic? Every few weeks we get a flyer from ‘Sheltering Wings’ in Danville. The ministry is for one purpose, to give wives, and their children, a safe place to go because of the physical danger posed by a male partner.
The Tuesday night news in South Bend covered a special YWCA dinner. It was to raise awareness on the rise of domestic violence in the Mishawaka area. And as a graphic reminder, they had plaques with little yellow ribbons on a table for every woman recently murdered through domestic violence- and the length of that table was disturbing. As our culture continues to take God out of our families… as men abandon their design in God, we are reaping a murderous whirlwind.
And husbands, before we pat ourselves on the back for being nonviolent, we need to recognize, there are less dramatic ways of hurting our wives. The Christian commentator, Charles Barclay writes, “The cruelty which is hardest to bear is often not deliberate but the product of sheer thoughtlessness.”
How often do we injure just because we don’t think? We haven’t made the effort to see through her eyes. Husbands, God calls us to be considerate. Listen to how the dictionary defines this word: Having or showing regard for the feelings of another- thoughtful- well considered, deliberate.
God calls the husband to deliberately give regard to the feelings of his wife, then to show regard. ‘Goodness’ in the husband is sensitivity to his wife’s emotional and physical needs while seeing her as a spiritual equal. Then Peter ends this thought with a very stern warning, “so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”
The Christian writer, Bigg puts it this way: "The sighs of the injured wife come between the husband's prayers and God's hearing." Husbands: You can’t be right with God and wrong with your wife.
v It means -Going beyond not hurting to cultivating her growth Listen to the plans of Jesus in verse 26: to make her holy, cleansing her … to present her … without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
Now let me ask you; what impression does that give you. Does it give you the impression that the goal of Jesus is to cultivate the very best in His bride?
Husbands, God says you are responsible for your wife’s welfare- especially her spiritual welfare. Are you actively helping your wife realize her potential? 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives Isn’t that a long way from leaving the spiritual welfare up to our wives?
v This Christ-love means –The willingness to sacrifice Mark 14:23-24 Then he took the cup, gave thanks and offered it to them… "This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many," … (NIV) For Christ to do what He came to do, involved self-sacrifice. Husbands, we also need to sacrifice in order to let our wives grow. Christ poured Himself out. Sometimes we have to ‘pour ourselves out.’ You come home tired from work. But your wife is tired too. She’s been working outside the home, or at home watching the kids. Self-sacrifice may mean taking the kids for a while and giving her some needed down time.
When you’re tempted to resent the opportunity to let her rest, or grow, or heal at your expense, consider this: When Jesus died on The Cross for you- it wasn’t good for Him, it wasn’t convenient, and it wasn’t what He deserved. That is your example to follow as husband.
v This Christ-love means- Loving despite the response Let’s take a moment to look down from The Cross through Christ’s eyes: Matt 27:39-44 Those who passed by hurled insults at him, shaking their heads and saying, "… save yourself! Come down from the cross, if you are the Son of God!" In the same way the chief priests, the teachers of the law and the elders mocked him… In the same way the robbers who were crucified with him also heaped insults on him. (NIV) And what was His response? Luke 23:34 "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." (NIV) (NIV) Do you see the principle of real love here? Loving by God’s definition means choosing to love, despite the response. Real love is action. It may be tender or tough, but it is always in the best interest of the loved-one. Jerry Wunder of Family Life puts it like this; Our actions are real love- not those because they feels right, but because they are right. -They are the right choices despite the response.
v This Christ-love means- Taking the initiative. It means taking the first step in things like forgiveness. Let me share a side drama of The Cross with you: Luke 22:31-32 31 "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. 32 But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." (NIV) Look at what Jesus is saying here! “Peter, you are going to fail me. But I want you to know in advance; I forgive you. And you still have a part in my life.” Matt 26:33-34 33 Peter… "I tell you the truth," … "this very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times." (NIV) Most versions say ‘deny, but catch the meaning here in the original Greek: Aparneomai (ap-ar-neh'-om-ahee) A strengthened form of …"to deny utterly," to abjure, to affirm no connection “Do I know Jesus? No I don’t know Jesus! In fact I really don’t know Him. What did you say His name was again?”
Now look at this summary of Mark 16:1-7 When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene… entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe … and … he said … go, tell his disciples and Peter, 'He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.'" (NIV) ‘And Peter’, did you catch that? Not only does Jesus forgive in advance for a ‘strong’ betrayal, he makes a special effort to reassure Peter afterwards. Husbands… ‘servant-leaders’- that’s taking initiative! That’s taking the first step in those hard things. That is your role.
4. WHAT PRACTICAL STEPS CAN A HUSBAND TAKE TO SHOW THIS KIND OF LOVE? 1. Become a student of your wife- study her Find things out- What is the most important to her. What’s her greatest concern right now? What would make life easier for her at this point in life? Here’s an idea, how about shutting off the TV for a night, and finding out. 2. Encourage her abilities- Do you know what your wife is good at? Do you encourage those abilities? Do you praise or challenge her to reach the next level? 3. Communicate Demands will swallow your time if you don’t make a deliberate effort- make a date to communicate. 4. Romance her way Last week we talked about the man, sexually. On the other side, Dobson makes the point that a man can be done before a woman has even gotten her mind off the kids and the challenges of the day. “Husbands be considerate of your wives.”
Surprise her with something that says you still love and appreciate her. Guys, it doesn’t have to be a major production. A note on the fridge, a simple card, flowers for no special reason… small things are important. 5. Be trustworthy 28 …husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. The world is full of beautiful women who are not your wife. Men, make a covenant with your heart, and with your eyes. You don’t have to look twice. And you don’t have to look long. Matt 5:27-28 27 "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (NIV) Internet porn is the fastest growing and most insidious vice in our culture today. All across this country, men have become addicted, behind their office doors. Voyeurism, eroticism is only a click away.
Husband, if you are having trouble with this, make yourself accountable to someone and break the cycle. - Jesus calls it adultery. Pornography and infidelity kill marriages. You cannot reflect Christ and betray your wife. You are Jesus or Judas.
6. Be joined to your wife spiritually Statistics show, being a church member will not save your marriage. Divorce in the church equals the world. However, when families simply pray together routinely- the failure rate drops to around 5%.
CONCLUSION We’ve covered a lot of information this morning. But there are two things I really want you to take with you this morning.
The first is a few pointed questions: Husbands, what’s going to happen ‘on your watch?’ When you stand before God and He asks, ‘Have you lost any?’ What will you be able to say? What is your life saying right now?
And the second is this hope: Husbands, if you will let God work inside of you, He will build you up to the greatest measure of a man, and a husband. He will lift you to His measure. But that means accepting Him for what He is- sovereign God… your God.
We live in urgent times, please don’t let God’s call to you go unheeded.
As the ushers come forward and Laura leads our last song, please stand. Remember the response tab on the right side of your bulletin, and new guests, all we ask from you in the offering is this tab letting us know you were here.
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