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FAMILY SERIES: MARRIED WITH CHILDREN! For Pastor’s Appreciation month, Kathy and I received some very touching acknowledgments from the deaconesses, the board, and individuals. But I have to say, what has tickled me the most, was the cards I received from our kids. Let me share just a few: · The ‘articulate smoozer’ · The ‘artistic encourager’ · The ‘honest and frank’ The cards are visible illustrations of our kids. Each one: shows potential, each has its own kind of beauty, and each is imperfect in its own way- and it is this very combination that makes each one unique… just like the kids who made them. And there’s a lesson here for us. Since every child is different, there is no universal formula for raising kids. But God does offer us a guideline of principles that do not fail. Prov 1:7-9 7 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge… 8 Listen, my son, to your father's instruction and do not forsake your mother's teaching. 9 They will be a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck. (NIV) Before we start this morning, let’s qualify something: In our world today, the people filling the mother and father roles are not necessarily, the biological mother or father. They may be a grandparent or stepparent, sibling or relative. So today’s word is every bit as much for you- for the purpose of this message; you are the mother or father. That being said let me ask a question-
WHAT DO YOU INVISION FOR YOUR CHILDREN? What is the garland do you see gracing your child’s future? Maybe it’s high achievement or maybe it’s just to be happy. No matter what your hope or how different the child; true success starts with the same thing- ‘fear of the Lord.’ -Deeply ingrained, reverent respect for the One who created their life… the one who has designed a part for them in His marvelous, eternal plan. That’s quite a destiny!
SO HOW DO WE PLAY OUR PART IN THE DESITNY OF OUR CHILDREN? Parents, if we take a moment to reflect on Prov. 1:8, we find our part comes down to one thing- teaching. And that carries two critical implications.
1. To truly teach you must know- yourself. Because- you cannot impart what you don’t understand. 2. To truly teach you must live it- yourself. Because- you cannot be an example of what you have not experienced.
Since the first humans, this has not changed- Every child is born a blank slate. Every parent will pass on something to their children. And we can only pass on who we are. And that begs a question: For the sake of your children, who are you?
We started a passage last week that lists a number of character elements that kill, and a number that bring life. The list is found in Galatians chapter 5. If you have your Bible please turn to it now. For the sake of our children, let’s take a serious look… Since every word is a concept, it is worth a survey in the original meaning.
Gal 5: 19-22 Now the works of the flesh are plain: fornication, impurity, licentiousness, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, anger, selfishness, dissension, party spirit, envy, drunkenness, carousing, and the like. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God. The first three deal with what we do with our bodies, sexually; listed from the outward behavior to the inward condition. Then we hit: Idolatry- eidololatria Official definition: The sin of the mind against God … associated, and traced to lack of the acknowledgment of God… “Lack of acknowledging God.” In other words; idolatry is messing with God’s throne. It’s trying to replace Him with what we want Him to be, or our ambitions, or recreation, or even our hurts and fears. Or idolatry can be just trying to get God to share His throne. “I believe in the Biblical Christ, with a few pet ideas of my own.” Sorcery [witchcraft]- pharmakia (Eng., "pharmacy") Official definition: The use of drugs, generally accompanied by incantations and appeals to occult powers, with the provision of various charms, amulets, etc., professedly designed to keep the applicant or patient from the attention and power of demons, but actually to impress the applicant with the mysterious resources and powers of the sorcerer.
It’s mind-boggling to think in this age of science we have to consider such a thing- but we do. If you surf the Internet, you can find site after site of old pagan practices like druidism, and new pagan practices like the Wickens. An alarming number of our children are being seduced by the idea of ‘magic’ for good intention- ‘white magic’ or, ‘white witchcraft’.
Isn’t it interesting that the only mention of witchcraft in the New Testament (Acts 8) is in affect, ‘white witchcraft’. And it ends with a curse from God, “May you perish.” -The only hope- immediate repentance. Anything that smacks of witchcraft is wrong for the same reason- it tries to harness supernatural powers for personal use. It’s messing with God’s throne, and as Acts 8 says; with a wrong heart, and a wrong power source.
Then the list moves on to what we might call- Emotional behaviors- enmity, strife, jealousy, anger, selfishness, dissension, party spirit- Enmity- ekh'-thrah- hostility, hatred; Strife- eris -the expression of "enmity"; Anger- thumos- wrath or unchecked anger in action; Selfish [factions]- erithia- “self-seeking rivalry," "seeking to win followers"; Dissension [sedition]- dee-khos-tas-ee'-ah- lit. “to stand alone”; “insurrection"; Party spirit [heresy]- hairesis –lit. "a choosing", especially a self-willed opinion, which is substituted for submission to the power of truth, and leads to division and cults.
-Everyone gets angry by times. But when anger is a way of life- when the impulse is to be offended rather than to forgive- when our influence is to divide rather than unite- to make God into our image instead of being made into His- we are on the list.
Drunkenness, methe …habitual intoxication- Putting your brain under the influence of a chemical substance.
I really want us to get this right- Galatians doesn’t say you’re a bad person if you are gripped by these things, or a good person if your not. It doesn’t say you’re inferior or superior, it simply says this- “You will not inherit the kingdom of God.” No matter who you say you are- you are not plugged in. And here’s the real kicker mom and dad- this goes beyond your life. It’s about the life of your children. How can you connect a young soul to God when you’re disconnected yourself?
Thank God the passage goes on to list the opposite: v22-23. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such there is no law. If you’ve really let Christ in, these are the things that will come out. And very few people, including our children, will walk away from this kind of beauty.
Another important step for parents… Know the real priorities and live them with urgency Deut 11:19-21 19 Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 20 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, 21 so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land [of] the LORD … (NIV) One family psychologist after another is saying the same thing: you can’t separate quality and quantity when it comes to time spent with your children. Do you want to know what God’s idea of quality time is? It is saturating your children with Him- His values, His ways, His presence. It is being there when that little heart opens. It’s seeing and grasping the opportunity when it comes- those moments life opens that we can’t possibly foresee.
And take heart parents- sometimes the seed doesn’t blossom until later in life. But if a true seed has been faithfully planted, hold on to this promise: Prov 22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. (NIV)
These are universal truths for all care-givers, male or female. Now let’s share a few insights, specifically for the mother and the father.
Starting with the moms- President Teddy Roosevelt once said, ‘Next to the soldier in the field, there is no greater citizen than the mother.’ Why? -Because mothers more than anyone else, set the direction in the early years. And in that way set the direction of the future.
In their instruction, mothers are models of very specific things. To your daughters: mom is a living illustration of that girl’s future. Mothers are the first example of what it means to be a woman. They are the most intimate illustration of what it means to be a wife. How does a woman express love to her husband? How does a wife settle differences in the family? How do you raise a ten year-old, or seventeen year-old? They may not care at seventeen, but they will care at twenty-seven. If they are going to learn Christian dignity and modesty… if they are going to learn the skills of healthy relationship… if they are going to value themselves as a woman of God’s design- it will be the mother role that teaches them.
To your sons: mom is the training ground of how a woman should be treated. You are the first example of how a wife should be respected. Moms are the first line of practical training in family responsibility.
A social psychologist by the name of Jean Blush made an interesting discovery. For years she counseled men of widely different background who couldn’t hold a job. And in this wide variety, she found one common denominator: None of these men learned domestic responsibility as children. They lacked the skills to be others-centered or be team players. And that weakness has plagued their lives.
Mothers are a male’s first exposure to female relationships. And for the greatest part, they set the pattern.
FOR DADS- God’s design is for men to take on the responsibility of leadership in the family. Dads, you are called to lead, but it would be wise to remember this old saying, “He who thinks he leads but turns around to find no one following, is merely taking a walk.’
Today, too many men are not leading their families. They are wondering in circles of materialism, and relative morality. And they are taking their children nowhere. Mal 4:6 He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse." (NIV) When weak fathers have weak connections with their children, do you know what we get? -A cursed land. We get weak families, weak churches, and a sickly culture. Every father is called to the ministry. He is called to be the pastor of his family. And that means meeting needs at every level- the intellectual, emotional, and spiritual as well as the physical.
In the New Testament, there are two times that instruction is given directly to the father. Each carries its own particular mandate. The first is this: Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. ‘Provoke’ here, is one of several Greek forms: parorgiz: par-org-id'-zo It means to enrage… to wrath.
Do you know what research shows as the greatest scourge of our youth today? –Rage. In many states you can find billboards condemning widespread meanness in schools. Children are being driven to the breaking point by the cruelty of their peers. But ultimately, where does the meanness start. According to Ephesians 6:4, it starts in the home. It often starts with fathers.
And how do fathers enrage their children? In one way or the other, it happens when dads abandon or neglect their responsibility as a pastor- failing to meet the needs. For example failure to express, teach or model love. Consider these verses for a moment: Col 3:12 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. (NIV) 1 Pet 3:15 But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer … But do this with gentleness and respect… (NIV) If we’re called to express this level of tenderness to each other, how much more should we be expressing it to our children?
The second instruction sounds much the same since it translates to the same word, ‘provoke.’ But in Greek, it has an entirely different texture. Colossians 3:21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. This time ‘provoke’ is: erethizo- er-eth-id'-zo Meaning "to excite, stir up," … in an evil sense -To quarrel, wrangling, debate, strife, variance.
Why this warning specifically to dads? We talked about testosterone the other day. It’s a biological fact; men are chemically engineered to be more aggressive. That means: dads are usually less patient than moms. Men are one track- task oriented creatures. That means we like to fix stuff… even our children. “There’s something wrong with that boy and I’m going to fix it right now.” But dad’s there’s a danger on fixating on single elements especially in the personality. It can lead to a pattern of criticism. It can convey complete lack of approval and squelch every visible expression of love. Expose any of us to that, and what’s going to happen? We are going to get discouraged.
Ann Landers had a heart-wrenching letter in one column. It was from a father who said something to this effect:- Dear Ann: Today I kissed my son for the first time in more years than I can remember. Unfortunately it was at his funeral. Deeply depressed, my son had taken his own life.
Why do fathers feel we have to hold back, teach our sons to be strong and that means not showing tenderness. It is too late for me. But I hope you will share this letter and maybe save someone else from making the same mistake.
Dads, there is a time for tough discipline, and there is a time for tender love- both are tools to the same end- to train up a child.
And dads, social research shows we are far more essential models than most of us realize: To your daughters- you are the first male relationship. You are the first example of how a man treats a woman. You are the mold for all her future male relationships.
A wise pastor carried on a great tradition when his daughters were young. From the age of about 8, he would take them out on ‘dad dates.’ And he would do it just right. He’d formally ask them out, and they’d get all dressed up. He’d open the car door for them and they’d go out to a fancy restaurant… like Chez MacDonald’s. And he’d bring them home and be polite and considerate. Besides making some wonderful memories, he did something seriously important. He set an example for his daughters- a template in their minds. This is the right way for a young man to treat a young lady. If he doesn’t respect you- don’t accept it, you’re better than that.
How many young girls think the right way to hold a young man’s attention is to give their bodies? How many daughters have been set up for lives of abusive relationships? And how many can be traced back to the father?
To your sons- You are the first and greatest illustration of what it means to be a man. Has that ever been more critical than these times? We live in a culture that has become confused on gender, let alone relationships.
Research on the absence of fathers offers disturbing results. Homes where there is no father model, young men are given to ‘hypermachoism’, or overly aggressive and violent behavior as the proof of manhood. Anti-authority tendencies and a higher incidence of criminal behavior are common. In other words, they lack the skills and understanding to be real men.
If you’re a single parent, don’t be discouraged, but take this as being forearmed by God. Knowing these gaps exist gives you the opportunity to compensate. Perhaps a grandparent, sibling, or even a trusted friend- God can bring someone to help.
CONCLUSION For good or bad- parent; you will pass on something to your children-
In closing, let me give you a little something to think about- this is the lineage of two different families: The first is that of a Mr. Max Duke. He and his wife were of poor moral character. And in a century of decedents they left this legacy: 310 vagrants, 440 given to debauchery; 130 in prison; 60 convicted thieves; 7 murderers; 100 alcoholics; 190 prostitutes. None contributed to society and in fact, they burdened the state of New York for millions.
The second family is that of Jonathan and Sarah Edwards, parents of genuine integrity. This is their lineage: 100 lawyers; a dean of law; 65 professors; 30 judges; 66 physicians; a dean of medicine; 83 college presidents; 80 holders of office; 3 mayors; 3 senators; and a vice-president of the United States.
Parents, we can only pass on who we are. For the sake of your children, and your grandchildren- who are you? What are you passing on? If you haven’t been moved to get honest and right with God for your own sake, perhaps you’ll do it for your children. This morning is a time to choose- that is what the altar is for, that is what the response tabs in your bulletin are for.
As we stand for the offering prayer and the closing song, -for the sake of your children- don’t let God go unanswered- ‘The fear of the Lord is the beginning.’ –For you and them…
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